Obsessive - Compulsive

Private

2010-01-05T10:57:00.002-05:00

After some consideration I have decided that I'd rather record my thoughts in a private blog instead of letting the world in on my misfortunes. If anyone would like to continue reading please send me a message at ocdlife@gmail.com.

Thanks for all the comments and support, they have helped a great deal.

Single

2009-12-02T13:54:00.003-05:00

After over two years me and my girlfriend have called it quits. What's tough is that we have been living together for the past few months so I had to move my stuff which was just awkward. Because of this, and other things, I have not posted in a while as I figured I'd get settled and clear my head as best as I could.

Being single again is nice after a while but I'm still fairly bothered that I don't get to spend time with somebody I love whenever I want. The feelings are still there but the rest has faded so there was really only 1 thing I could do, which was to break it off.

I have too many issues right now to be in a serious relationship. Maybe one day when I get a handle on things I may be able to settle down but until then I need to concentrate on building myself back up.

Thank you for the concern as to my well being and again I'm sorry it's been a while between posts...they should be a little more frequent now.

Never Been Worse

2009-10-28T09:35:00.002-04:00

I re-read my previous post with absolute bewilderment this morning as I got into work, half an hour late as usual. As I read it line to line I felt pathetic and angry; disconnected from the world with zero hope or ambition. I want nothing more than to go home, snort some klonopin, and get as drunk as I can. Every second that I am separated from the real world is a gift. The incessant stream of obsessive thoughts is enough to bear without the added frustration of severe depression.

I feel as though I am out of options. I can't conceptualize a promising future for myself so what am I doing? I can't continue this fraudulent expression of normality at work or home, it's played it's role and now I am unwilling to pretend any more. The saddest part of all of this isn't that I'm an absolute wreck, it's that I can't bare the immense shame this makes me feel. I think so little of myself yet the impact of this on my family and friends is topping the list of reasons why I don't want to exist. As my former therapist has told me, "you got a shitty hand". I agree, I have the mental problems to legitimize these thoughts...this does not assuage my emotional state. This does not make everything OK. I am not a 14 year old who got dumped and now sees no reason for living. I am almost 26 and should be doing my best to make something of myself. I should be planning for my future but all I can do at this point is think of the past and hate myself for the mistakes I have made.

I consider myself a realist. I see the world for what it is; what I am. I'm an insignificant being on an insignificant "pale blue dot" in the universe. My insignificance is defined by the tiny amount of impact I have on only a handful of people in this world. I know many of you out there turn to god to help with your problems. Religion does not play a role in my life so I will not be a hypocrite and turn to a deity just to pretend It's making me feel better. However, it's not my aim to discredit religion in this post so I won't even go there.

I suppose I'm just drain clouting the fact that I don't want to be alive any more. I don't wear my seat belt anymore, I don't look both ways before crossing the street and I don't go out of my way to shy away from the everyday dangers. I have even stopped asking restaurants if they use peanut oil. If I get a severe reaction then maybe that is my way out of the world, a way which will not force me to take matters into my own hands. I take chances every day just to see if I have the balls to do what needs to be done. It's almost liberating to experience these types of situations, and at times it makes me feel better.

I'm getting closer and closer to becoming "unafraid"...

A Non-Unhappy Post

2009-10-23T12:41:00.003-04:00

I've noticed that almost all of my posts are negative and for good reason; I post when I'm annoyed at life. I suppose I can try posting when I don't feel like bathing with a toaster one in a while.

I literally haven't thought this out at all. To be perfectly frank, I am typing whatever comes to my head. Although, I feel as though I should adhere to the OCD parts of my life to keep it relevant. I don't think any of you want to hear about my recent accident with correctional fluid (don't sniff) or the other office supplies that I steal. So instead of that, here's me...the person i'd like to be ALL of the time.

Notice the alterations of facial muscles creating an upside down frown, commonly known as a smile. It takes over 30 muscles to do that...I think my face muscles are out of shape. It's rare that I can get on the fun side of the bi-polar-ness but when I do I'm generally happy. About an hour ago I made one of my "NO OCD FOR A DAY" pacts...it's what it sounds like; I observe the current time and for a span of 24 hours I consciously try to not succumb to any obsessive or compulsive behaviors. The obsessive part is hard because it's the equivalent of trying to not think of a giraffe. Everyone reading this just pictured a giraffe...except the giraffe I am speaking of is wearing jeans and a top-hat.

OCD sucks in so many ways but is there any practicality for it? Does it influence my life positively in any way? Well, it must. For me, OCD is like being punched in the face, lit on fire, stabbed multiple times, and then thrown into a a pool filled with razors. But when I get out of that pool, I find an abandoned scratch ticket worth 2 dollars. Sure I may have suffered severe lacerations, broken bones, 3rd degree burns and neurological injuries...but at least I can buy some gum at the local convenience store.

I suppose sometimes I just feel like the frog.

Depression and Post Cruise Feelings

2009-10-22T10:35:00.003-04:00

I was recently on a cruise in the Caribbean which marked the first "real" vacation I have taken in over 6 years. Like my previous post explained, I was very nervous and hesitant about going. I even sunk so low as to think of excuses to cancel and stay at home. Luckily this was not the case and I had a fantastic time. My nut allergy was of little concern as I was catered to in this area like never before. I would receive dinner menus a day prior to the meal in order for the head chef to make sure everything was fine. I felt this was a huge step for me as this was my primary concern, among others. After about a day on the ship I was comfortable eating just about anything in the buffet lines that I figured to be safe and I barely thought anything of it.

There were a few excursions I took when docked at a couple islands. I went snorkeling (asthma was a concern but I didn't have a problem) and I also took a "Natural Wonders" tour which consisted of taking a small bus from the boat to some kind of mini-zoo which had a lot of cool animals. I can't tell you how much I needed this vacation and maybe I'll throw some pictures up in a day or two.

Now to reference the title of this post...

Going from a miserable environment to a cruise was unreal. The experience was great and I had a lot of fun. Keeping that in mind, going from that back to the norm feels like I've returned to hell. Ambition is out the window, stress is peaked and life is generally crap (again).

It's tough to wake up in the morning and find the ambition to endure another day where I know I will be depressed and anxious all day but I really don't have another choice. With everything I am going through I can't muster the necessasry energy and enthusiasm to improve my life and conditions. The cruise let me escape this feeling to a degree but the real world is a slap in the face.

The Lamictal isn't helping the mood swings...in fact, they seem to be worse than before. The OCD is the same, concentration is limited and my mind continues to race rapidly, my self esteem is still in the crapper and every day seems like it's the same. I keep asking myself why I don't just give up. I pose this question to myself multiple times a day and I try my hardest to find an excuse not to. It's sad but with every day that goes by, these excuses get more and more diminished.

I know what I need to do in order to get my life back on track but I fear this will make things worse. My initial stay at the short term unit at the hospital had me feeling pretty good upon leaving. Prior to going I felt like I do now, except now it's about 100 times worse. I can't jeopardize the few things I have left to be stuck in a hospital for an unknown amount of time but at the same time I can't keep living this way. I don't know how to handle this.

(@ Olivia - can I get an invite to your blog if possible?)

Cruise in the Caribbean

2009-09-22T09:42:00.003-04:00

I am going on vacation starting October 10th for about a week or so. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Years ago I would be absolutely stoked to go on a cruise. I've only been to various resorts in the past so this would be the first cruise I have ever been on. As fun as this should be I can't help but be hesitant and worrisome about my issues and how they might appear while on a boat in the middle of the ocean. I have problems going to local events so I can't imagine how I might react to all of this. I attended a wedding about a month or so ago and I was an anxious wreck. My breathing was shallow, I was nervous about the food, and I counted the minutes until we could leave.

I haven't been on a real vacation in years so I'm upset that what should be a blast will turn into a nightmare. I know that if I didn't have this issue with my asthma I'd be a lot more comfortable with the trip, despite my fear of having a reaction to the food on the boat. Thoughts such as "can I even have fun anymore" are swimming around in my head and are left unanswered. What the hell did I do to deserve this hellish existence where even a vacation can't calm me down? My girlfriend and I are going with another couple which makes matters worse because I'm being somewhat forced to put on a mask and do things I don't want to do. I would be perfectly content with simply sun bathing with some drinks and enjoying the festivities on the boat. However, we are going places off the boat which make me mildly unsettled.

I think I am going to have to get a bunch of valium for this trip. I can't spend all this money and have an awful time. Moments before writing this I thought to myself "I'd rather stay home and let them go alone then force myself to do something that I know will be hard". I understand that the best way to deal with issues of anxiety is to face them but I'd rather not face them on a boat hundreds of miles off shore.

Am I Agoraphobic too?

2009-09-14T12:17:00.002-04:00

I have a vacation planned for mid-October in which I will be flying to Florida and then taking a cruise around the many islands. As excited as I am, I can't help but be ridden with anxiety and nerves just thinking about it. Over the past few years I have noticed that I have become more and more of an introvert. I have drastically reduced the amount of times I go out on the weekends. More often than not I choose to stay at home and watch a movie or play video games. I have also noticed that my allergies have gotten a lot worse. This post nasal drip makes it difficult to breathe and there is always the fear that I will endure a severe asthma attack. Then there is the whole peanut allergy problem which aids my inherent distaste for social experiences.

Those two issues combined are a force to be reckoned with. I generally over-indulge myself in thoughts of the worst case scenario and the "what-ifs" of any situation. Even in the confines of my apartment I have periods of heightened anxiety as I start to convince myself that I can't breathe or I'm having an allergic reaction. I avoid restaurants at all cost unless I have deemed it safe, which requires that I have eaten there many times. I understand that life is basically passing me by while I spend all my time in defensive mode but I can't simply stop the mental gymnastics and pretend all is good. This is due to the fact that I do have physical problems which fuel these thoughts. I can't run anymore without having a bad asthma attack. I can't express how miserable it is not to be able to run, especially since I have always been very athletic.

I realize I haven't posted anything in almost a month. Since my last post I have been dealing with the lamictal and gradually upping the dose every week. As I said before, this doesn't really do that much. It may be assuaging the bi-polar but that is generally the least of my concerns at the moment. I've been trying to keep a happy face these past 3 weeks but it's all an act. I am generally miserable and live each day just to get to the next. I've since lost a good friend (for reasons not entirely clear to me) which hasn't helped my social life at all. Nevertheless, you can understand why I have been dragging my feet around my apartment.

A scary thought has been rattling around in my head the past few days. When I was a child I would occasionally have the type of dream where one would wake up and upon realizing they were having a bad dream, gave an exasperated exhalation of relief. I started to think about the dreams I had and realized my life right now, my day to day antics coupled with my job is the embodiment of those dreams. I feel like I could wake up at any moment and sever myself from that person. I often wonder at which point in my life I went wrong. Am I completely responsible for my own undoing or am I the result of unavoidable mistakes?

The last week or so I have been in what I would call a better-than-average mood. I concentrated on schoolwork and convinced myself that although I have some problems right now I could land on my feet and have a pretty good life. Today I feel as though I have fallen for a pipe dream. I simply cannot envision myself as the person I thought I would become. It seems something is taken from me on a regular basis. The life of a musician was once a goal for me but the life of an average person seems to be just as far away.

This Just In: Anxiety Sucks

2009-08-20T13:01:00.005-04:00

I just started week 2 with Lamictal and I haven't noticed shit so far. Actually, that's utterly fabricated because I've felt like an anxious wreck for the past month or so. I relayed this to my doctor and his suggestion was to involve myself in relaxation techniques.

This works for 5 minutes and then I'm back to where I was before. I was also told that lamictal also works for anxiety....ok..so? NOT FOR ME!.

I'm so tired of this bullshit, he won't prescribe anything he deems "addictive" or possibly dangerous, which happens to be almost all forms of medication dealing with anxiety. So I'm stuck waking up with a knot in my stomach which lasts for the majority of my day. At least when I was smoking pot I could escape from this constant feeling but mixing pot with lamictal has caused many people some problems which I'd rather not experience.

My main problem is OCD as well as anxiety/depression...why am I putting all my faith into a pill used for a less severe symptom, that being bi-polar syndrome. I can handle the mood swings; what I can't handle is the unrelenting stress. I am very ambitious when I am not suffering from anxiety but I can't focus on anything besides trying to live 1 day without disliking life.

I'm giving lamictal 2 more weeks and if I don't notice a difference I'm going back to an antidepressant and pot...the wonder drug.

Lamictal

2009-08-06T13:57:00.004-04:00

After seeing the doctor I was given a prescription for Lamictal, a highly affective drug with only 1 side affect which happens to be Stevens-Johnson Syndrome...which can cause death...lovely.

I'm not refusing to take this but I can't help but think to myself, "pot is illegal but this stuff is perfectly fine!?" How the hell can this be justified? Anyway, I'm going off on a completely different subject. I haven't noticed a difference yet, obviously, but I'm hoping it will help with the bi-polar occurrences soon. I'm at the point where I'm all but done trying to pretend to be happy.

I really hate contributing to the drug companies but I don't have any other options. I'm not in a position where I can simply snap out of it so I have to rely on a pill that can be very dangerous if taken improperly. I suppose I just have a fervent indignation towards entities which profit off the sick instead of putting the patient first. See, there I go again with my digressions. Maybe it's time to stop watching political videos all day.

The day has come

2009-08-04T14:27:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is the day. I am finally getting prescribed some medication after 4 introductory meetings with my psychiatrist. This guy takes the word "thorough" to a whole new level. I can't complain though, it's better than seeing somebody who just wants a check and to be out the door.

That's tomorrow...today and for months before I have been a mental train wreck. Slowly decreasing the klonopin has proved to be a horrible experience. I wake up almost every morning with a racing heart and extreme anxiety. It gets so bad that if I had nothing to do on that day I would sleep all day. I'm also getting the shakes from this decrease even though I have followed my doctors directions.

I can't tell you how nervous I am. Not knowing if I will be able to get my life back on track is one of the worst obsessions in my life. Like a typical OCD'er, I don't see things like everyone else...I see myself either getting better and living the life I have always wanted to or I see myself dead within a few years. Can't help thinking this way, it's how my brain works. 13 years of obsessions will do that to a person. I don't just feel different, I feel like the kid I remember is gone and all that is left is this mental patient. I feel empty. I have horrible self esteem and my ambition is at an all time low.

Tomorrow and the days/weeks to follow have to be positive, they just have to.

Is my life coming together or falling apart?

2009-07-22T11:37:00.002-04:00

First of all, I have officially moved in with my girlfriend. Although the sudden change in lifestyle is quite drastic I seem to be taking it pretty well. After all, she is very supportive and during those times when I let the anxiety and depression take over, she is there to help me through it.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love her very much and would not have done this unless I knew it would be a positive change in my life. However, there's a part of me that cannot get away from the thought that I'm taking her down with me. I have these ruminations on a daily basis that sooner or later I am going to cause her a great deal of emotional pain. I can't predict the future but I can tell you how I feel right now and at the moment I am stressed beyond belief.

All I really want in life is to be with a woman I love and have a career that is fulfilling. Right now I have 1 of 2. If any of you know me from my previous posts you know that I dislike my job for many reasons, the major one being that at the end of the day I feel empty. I feel like I am wasting my life in a job that gives me zero satisfaction.

There are certainly things I can do to fix this such as...getting a new job. But, that will make finishing school a lot harder and a lot more expensive. Secondly, the things I would consider doing that I feel would bring meaning to my life are seemingly impossible at the moment. My asthma/allergies prevent me from running or participating in most types of exercising. Third, I am recovering from my shoulder surgery which prevents me from being able to play guitar, one of a few things that make me happy.

So what does a person do when they are at a crossroads in their life? What does a person do when almost every path they would choose is unavailable to them? My shrink seems to think that I have to accept my losses and move on with my life. Sure, it makes sense...but I do not possess that ability. My obsessive compulsive disorder has made a fundamental impact on my decision making skills as well as my cognitive abilities. I am deterred from easy, everyday things due to the unrelenting stress it causes me. Just sitting here in my office thinking about my finances and crappy life put me into a depressive state.

The worst part of is that my sense of self is nearly gone. This fortuitous outcome which has depleted my self esteem and my ambition in life has crippled my abilities and caused me to suffer through things I'd never dream to be a problem. Money isn't that important, but it IS important enough to worry about. I have these fears that I will get to the point where I am penny-less and either living on the street or in some institution. I have long forgotten my earlier childhood dreams of being this rich, ambitious person. They have been replaced with the simple dream of being able to function in society like a normal person. I feel like an outsider, like I am no longer in control of my actions.

My new doctor has scheduled a fourth diagnostic appointment (usually takes 3 or less for most people) as he has determined that I have many more problems than I originally thought. Apparently I have body dysmorphic disorder!

I will not accept my situation, not now, not in the future. I can't give up on myself like that and assume the role of a lifeless figure on this planet. There's a big difference between being realistic and being positive...I just wish the two were intertwined.

We Landed on the Moon!

2009-07-20T12:10:00.003-04:00

40 years ago the eagle landed in the Sea of Tranquility. Although they touched down in an area that was not their primary landing zone, they safely made it and pushed humanity into the space age.

It's sad that since the Apollo missions there has yet to be another person on the moon. The existential step backwards is really a hinderence on our progression to the stars. A mission to mars should already be in the works yet it isn't. I don't know why people see the moon as the final quest for knowledge in the universe but apparently this was a motivating factor in the decision to slow down space exploration. That and the fact that NASA is horrendously under funded. Our next stop is Mars but if we continue the way we are now, we won't have anyone there for nearly 20-25 years.

There are endless questions that need to be answered. One major question is whether or not there are extremophiles (single celled organisms that live in only the most hectic environments...sometimes in excess of 200 degrees celsius!). It's hard to imagine life can exist in such conditions but earth has shown us this is the case, and this is where life most likely began. It is hypothesized that these extremophiles are littered in our earth's mantle and crust. If this is the case, with their combined mass they would be considered the most abundant life form on (or rather in) earth.

It may be up to private companies to extend our reach into space and answer the many questions we have. Life needs to be found. It has to. I can only hope that this will happen in my lifetime.

Post Surgical Fun

2009-07-08T04:13:00.003-04:00

So I had surgery on the 26th and it was pretty routine. I arrived early, registered, and moments later I was called in to be prepped. The nurse who was putting in my IV (who was nearing 70) first attempted to put it in my right hand. "Oops, must have hit a valve"....lovely.

So a few minutes later they put some drugs into the IV and I turned to my parents and girlfriend and they basically erupted in laughter. My eyes began watering and I could tell I was just doped up pretty well. They wheeled me away into the OR and I just laid there, basking in the drugged up state I was in, listening to the surgeon and nurses talk about whatever.

An oxygen mask was placed on my mouth and moments later I could tell something else was in the mix. Next thing I know I awake in the recovery area in a decent amount of pain and I noticed my left shoulder looked like it had been wrapped about 50 times. I eventually get pain meds and get a ride home from the hospital.

It is now almost 2 weeks post op, I've had my stitches taken out and everything is going great, minus the green and blue bruising taking up the vast majority of my left arm. I am scheduled for physical training this week and I guess I'll go from there...

Thanks to everyone who wished me luck!

Surgery on Friday

2009-06-23T09:38:00.002-04:00

I finally have my shoulder surgery on Friday. I will be in a sling for about 3 weeks so I'm not sure how much blogging I'll be able to get done, although I will be bed ridden for a few days so I may shoot off some random blabble.

Anyway, If I don't post for a while it's probably because I'm enjoying the painkillers a little too much.

I really need help

2009-06-18T12:38:00.003-04:00

I recently spoke about the new doctor I was seeing and so far he seems pretty good. He has a policy where it takes 3 visits for the introduction, then he starts the CBT and will prescribe meds. Although I am doing a lot to improve my outlook on life, I can't help but feel completely depressed. Last night I just laid in my bed staring at my ceiling fan and came to the conclusion that I literally hate almost every aspect of my life. The plethora of things that I am incapable of doing, either because of physical of mental problems is overwhelmingly upsetting to me. I spend every day with the thought of death in my head. I can't find any ambition anymore. I simply don't want to be here anymore.

Let me put my life into perspective for you so you know where I'm coming from. I apologize if I'm repeating things from earlier posts but it's easier to put it all on the table instead of referencing random posts I made from the past.

At the age of 13 I had my first obsession which was "god sucks". This was stuck in my head after watching some movie based on religion. I was religious at the time so this was deeply disturbing to me. No matter what I did I could not get these words out of my mind. "Why is this happening to me" I would say to myself. Why can't I stop thinking about this if I don't really mean it?

Eventually this thought drifted away and others arrived. I basically had the fear of getting things stuck in my head and of course, it happened. Although I was going through such a hard time mentally I was still able to carry on with my life without being too affected by this. Soon after that I started to develop other problems. I had this phobia of choking to death after seeing an episode of Rescue 911 where a woman almost died from choking on a piece of bread. To put this phobia in context, I was out to dinner with my family and I ordered a baked potato instead of a lobster, my favorite food. I would also constantly run to the bathroom and try to throw up when I thought I was choking.

Again, this eventually subsided and a new symptom almost immediately appeared. I developed an eye blinking tic where I would blink my eyes excessively hard and often. I literally felt as though my eyes were completely dry and if I didn't blink hard they would hurt. I remember watching a video of myself during an episode and the amount of embarrassment I felt is hard to describe in words. I even went so far as to have my eyes tested to make sure they were producing enough tears, which of course they were.

Fast forward to 7-8th grade. The OCD is almost in full effect and another phobia began to take its course. I am deathly allergic to any and all kinds of nuts so I almost never ate anything unless my mother prepared it or I had it before. I recall a day when I was in history class where I left and sprinted to the nurses office in tears because I noticed my hands were blotchy and I thought I was having a reaction.

As high school came, my OCD was nearing it's worst. Taking notes was almost impossible as Id have to rip them out of my notebook at the end of class to satisfy whatever obsession was bothering me at the time. Reading became increasingly difficult as I would concentrate on page numbers and other minor things instead of what I was actually reading. This obviously led to lousy test scores so high school wasn't exactly the best years of my life. Somehow I graduated and made it into college (Don't ask me how). Although I was suffering tremendously I still had a positive attitude and completed a semester of college before transferring to a state school. This is when my OCD became unbearable. Everything had to go through the "if you do/don't do this something bad will happen" filter. Getting dressed took at least 10 minutes because every time I found an article of clothing I wanted to wear, I'd convince myself that if I wore it something terrible would happen.

I was academically severed from school due to my poor grades and after working for the department of public works in my local town the depression set in. I was a nobody living at home. Nobody understood me. I didn't understand me. I saw doctors here and there and I was put on various medications but none seemed to help. My mind was running a mile a minute and my compulsions were getting worse by the day. My cousin got me a job bar backing at a bar he managed and although my OCD was horrible, I have to admit that I enjoyed working there. I felt "popular" behind the bar, stocking the bottles and sometimes serving drinks. I got to know many of the college kids who frequented the bar and I felt like I had a lot of friends.

That all ended when my cousin was fired and I was told to quit with the promise of another job at a different bar, except he moved to a different state and I was out of a job.

(this post is longer than I expected, my apologies)

By shear luck I was able to get a job at a University working for the police department mainly sitting behind a computer and putting numbers into excel. I hated it with a passion, but it was a job and the pay wasn't too bad. I did this for a while until one day I felt it. That little pain in my stomach seemed to grow and grow and my mind began analyzing all the mistakes and misfortunes I've had in my life. I ran to the bathroom, locked myself into a stall and had a nervous breakdown. I could barely breathe. I couldn't envision a way out of this mess and I stayed in that stall for over an hour, crying with my face buried in my hands.

I'm still at that same place, although I was moved to a different building. I basically do nothing and I am pretty sure I get laughed at behind my back. I come to work everyday and sit online. I hardly ever have work to do and when I finally get something, it takes me 10 minutes and then I'm back to surfing the web. Some might find this to be a dream job, after all, I'm being paid to do virtually nothing...and I have my own office! I would have thought so too but leading an unfulfillable life is terrible. I developed an anxiety disorder and for the last couple years I haven't gone a day without being an anxious wreck. Here are my current problems outlined by a doctor I saw:

-OCD
-Anxiety
-BDD (body dysmorphic disorder)
-Depression
-Irrational phobias
-Horrible allergies which stop me from playing sports or exercising (i have an asthma attack triggered by post nasal drip, doctors don't know what to make of it)
-Bi-Polar
-Possible aspergers syndrome
-Social Anxiety
-Daily suicidal thoughts

etc...

So here I am, sitting in my windowless office wondering why I continue to live like this. I can honestly say that I no longer want to be a part of this world yet I can't kill myself because it would upset too many people. I'm stuck and unless this new doctor can help, I don't know what I am going to do.

Again, I'm sorry this was so long and poorly written. I've been more depressed than usual and since I gave up smoking pot I have only gotten worse. I just want to be normal. Is that so much to ask?

New Doctor Today...

2009-06-15T07:53:00.002-04:00

I finally got an appointment with an OCD specialist. I don't know what took so long considering I haven't had a "good" day in god knows how long. I found this guy from the OCD Foundation website, apparently he's very good. You can always tell which ones are good by the amount of paperwork they have you fill out. In my case, it was about a half hour's worth.

However, I had another sleepless night. I basically just did a lot of constructive stuff on my laptop as well as taking a joyride at 4 in the morning while working on my double-clutching. Very random, I know...but I needed an excuse to drive to the store and buy some red bull. I have a feeling I'll be taking a couple cat naps at work today.

Anyway, I don't know if I'm nervous about seeing him or I'm just anxious in general but hopefully I can finally get these emotions under control and start enjoying things.

Wish me luck!

blah blah blah...

2009-06-05T12:50:00.003-04:00

While I was in my therapy session yesterday I managed to blurt out that I feel like I see the world differently than everyone. When asked to explain I found it very hard to compile all my thoughts about life and express them to her in any kind of tangible fashion. The fact is I do feel like I see the world differently, I think anyone who has had OCD or an anxiety disorder for half of their life would!

I analyze the endless cruelties perpetrated by mankind every day. My mind is contantly stuck in shuffle mode and I find ti very hard to concentrate. While my roomates are inside watching sports center and pretending to know the stats of every player mentioned, I'm on the porch staring out at the moon as it slowly sets behind the horizon. Nothing that mattered to me years ago matters to me anymore, for the most part. Life is great when you have the things you love, I know this because I used to be that kid. I was the popular athlete with a ton of friends...life was good. But now, all I want is to be able to get on with my life instead of letting my problems hold me back.

Any ambition that I conjur up is quickly dissapated, any happiness is overshadowed by the intense anxiety and nervous breakdowns I deal with. Just doesn't seem fair.

I made the decision to see an OCD specialist and get back on meds. I don't care about side effects anymore. I know that if I continue to idle my way through life I will end up dead or even more miserable. If I knew it wouldn't affect my job I'd probably go back into the hospital but the reality of the matter is it will. I don't know what else to say really...

I need surgery on my shoulder and I was told I could either do it relatively soon and wear a sling all summer or do it after the summer and wear a sling while on a cruise. Lose lose situation if you ask me.

My Inner Dialogue

2009-05-28T08:35:00.002-04:00

Having OCD is like having a small version of myself on my back, whispering in my ear. I've let it transgress from something manageable to something that manages me. It acts as some kind of filter, there are some things I can do and a lot I can't. Either way, a day doesn't go by without me thinking what life would be like without a second opinion about everything.

"If you don't move that bottle you will lose your job", say's OCD me. He says a lot of things, too many to recall. "Just move the bottle and that will be it, you can go the rest of the day without having OCD". FINE, I'll move the fucking bottle.

Anxiety goes down...I can finally relax. Maybe I'll post about this on my blog.

"If you post on your blog today your family will be killed". Shut up, you aren't fucking real, you're a benevolent voice who causes nothing but pain. As a rational person, I know OCD is pointless, I know nothing I can think of will magically manifest itself and become a reality...but what if it does? What if what the monkey on my back is right, will I feel responsible? Logic and reason say no, but since when do logic and reason play any part in the life of somebody with OCD?

"Today is not a bad day at all", I say to myself. I made some progress at work, I had a great dinner, life is pretty good. But life is not pretty good. Life is dynamic, always changing, always different. But it's not different. I engage in the same routine every day simply because going outside of my routine causes debilitating anxiety. I find ambition to be a characteristic that is hard to acquire. I have to smoke weed to find my ambition and to filter out all of the obsessions I currently have. What people don't get is that marijuana is a leading contributer to the "I don't want to die" movement. I am unable to be depressed when I'm high so how can I justify stopping, especially when I receive good grades?

Although my OCD has been with me since middle school (im 25), I had a relatively normal life as a younger kid. Of course there were things that OCD prevented me from doing, but the anxiety was non-existent and I just learned to live with it. I'd create little rituals to speed up my morning routine. Sure, I might try on 4 pairs of socks, but at least I eventually find a pair that I can put on and start my day. "If you wear these socks you will fail your test". "OK, let's try another pair"..."If you wear these, your mom will die". "Well fuck, I don't have any more clean socks...I guess I can get away with wearing the ones I wore yesterday. "If you use that sock on that foot, you will die of a disease"...

Son of a bitch.

That's how my life works. The thoughts are almost never ending so I won't quote any more from my irrational mind, I just wanted to express how debilitating this shit can be. You get one life and what you do with that life is up to you, but I've lost control of it. I'm not in a good place. I can't continue to placate my OCD but I can't stop. I'm told by my therapist that it is up to me to fight through this, to stand up to my inner-thoughts and ignore them. What she doesn't know is that I'm wearing the wrong socks.

Obsessed - An OCD'ers opinion

2009-05-27T08:37:00.003-04:00

I know many of you have probably heard or even blogged about this but I feel the need to express my personal opinions regarding the show. Before I say anything, I am glad to see this type of show come out, it's nice to let people know just how hard some people have it.

If you have not seen the show then I would suggest not reading the rest of my post. That being said, let's start with the Germaphobe. It makes sense that they would pick him as contamination OCD is one of the more prevalent cases out there. Although I don't relate directly, I can still understand the anxiety he endures when his exposure therapy is kicked into action. The look on his face is the same I have given countless times. Other than that, he seemed like it was almost easy to assuage his compulsions, as did the second person to be interviewed.

Her name escapes me but the second individual they were following around had some type of phobia induced OCD, again...something I can sort of relate to. Her OCD seemed to be much darker and confusing, yet at the same time I could udnerstand where she was coming from. In either case, I feel like it was sort of "too easy". I understand this one show was filmed over a period of months but it comes of as "OCD is easily treatable, see?"

Well, in their cases, maybe...I just hope every episode doesn't end perfect. I know this sounds mean in a way, but if OCD is going to be put into the spotlight then the reality of OCD should as well.

There's only been 1 show so we'll see what kind of cases they have next. I'm definitely going to continue watching. I think we all want to find that episode that defines us and I hope mine is on the way.

Scientists Discover Human "Missing Link"

2009-05-20T08:27:00.005-04:00

I'm going to get into something other than my day to day life and share something truly magnificent.

"Scientists have unveiled a 47-million-year-old fossilised skeleton of a monkey hailed as the missing link in human evolution.

The search for a direct connection between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom has taken 200 years - but it was presented to the world today at a special news conference in New York.

The discovery of the 95%-complete 'lemur monkey' - dubbed Ida - is described by experts as the "eighth wonder of the world".

They say its impact on the world of palaeontology will be "somewhat like an asteroid falling down to Earth".

Researchers say proof of this transitional species finally confirms Charles Darwin's theory of evolution, and the then radical, outlandish ideas he came up with during his time aboard the Beagle."

Source

This was actually discovered in 1983 originally but was only recently dubbed as an ancestral species. I'm actually quite thrilled as this is just another transitional species to which many say there are none.

I was wondering why google's homepage had a fossil in it.

D-Day

2009-05-19T13:24:00.003-04:00

Well, tomorrow is my stress test to determine what may be causing my asthma attacks. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, tomorrow could very well be one of the worst or best days in my life. As a pessimist, obviously I'm assuming the worst and that's spiking my anxiety today. I guess it doesn't help when you have 3 redbulls and a coke before lunch.

I'm also quite nervous about my job. There's a possibility I may have to move out of my office and back to my old desk in another building. The thought of having to do this really worries me. I by no means enjoy what I do, but I'd enjoy it a lot less without an office.

I'm just really nervous about a lot of things at once. There's so much on my plate it's hard to cope and act like myself.

May contain peanuts

2009-05-14T08:26:00.004-04:00

I woke up not in a particularly foul mood, although the mere 4 hours of sleep I got proved to make physically getting out of bed an arduous process. I sat up and waited as my body was acclimated and then proceeded to get ready for work. Since I showered late last night I figured I'd write an IOU to my body and just skip it.

I stopped at a local convenience store and picked up a couple 16 ounce redbulls as well as stopping at dunkin donuts and actually ordering donuts. Now some of you know I have a big issue with my peanut/tree nut allergy which prevents me from going out to restaurants I don't know as well as a lot of other things. What struck me as odd is that not only did I not hesitate, I read a small sign on the counter saying there was a possibility of peanut/tree nut contamination in their food products. Normally this would spike my anxiety and I'd be out the door.

I felt nothing...

It was though I was like most other people in the world who would read such a thing and ask themselves "what a pointless sign". In reality, I'm glad to see companies taking such initiative but it's too bad it took so long (and so many incidents) for the message to really be sent out.

As an OCD sufferer, something like this is a minor victory in my book, no matter how trivial or small it may be to the average person. But the thing is, I'm not average. I'd like to think that although my allergy has made me quite worrisome, it has also made me stronger and braver. How many possibly life threatening situations does Joe Somebody make on a daily basis in America? Not many...but us OCDrs are faced with them sometimes multiple times a day.

We are strong in ways that aren't very apparent to the average person. We deal with things that may seem stupid but in actuality cause us fear and to triumph just a little over this is a victory is anyone's book.

Ambition!

2009-05-12T13:23:00.005-04:00

It's true. I swear. I have....ambition today. I woke up early, I had breakfast (plus two redbulls, nobody's perfect) and all I can think of is getting home to record some songs on my acoustic guitar. My first attempt at "Ocean" by "John Butler Trio" is below.

I have since learned the rest of the song and can play it a lot better. Hopefully I can have a finished version of it today. I have even started to try and improve my voice so I can sing along with some of the songs. I'm weird in that I can sing some songs great and others I sound like a 13 year old screaming like a girl.

You can assume I'm somewhat manic at the moment but hopefully it lasts all day. There's no feeling like it when you go from the lowest of the lows to the highest of the highs. It's like emerging out of the water seconds before you drown. The reassurance that everything will be OK is like getting a second chance at life. The only problem is this happens a lot for me so it's hard to get a baseline of my personality.

To be honest, these haven't been the best years in my life so to gather any ambition to this extent is rare. But like I said, I need to do as much as I can for as long as this lasts. After that, I don't know how my viewpoint of the world will look.

One more thing, what's the deal with people always saying "right (insert name here)?" when they know you were not listening to their previous conversation. I always answer with "actually, I disagree 100 percent because you are morally bankrupt, asshole."

Cool Music Project

2009-05-11T20:59:00.006-04:00

Last night I didn't exactly get a lot of sleep. Instead, I decided to become ambitious and submit a riff to www.inbflat.net and see if it gets posted. To my surprise I got an email from the site owner telling me they were putting it up.

The site is basically a collection of embedded youtube videos, all in B flat. Some of the combinations can go together very well. My submission in the acoustic guitar near the bottom right.

Inbflat

A prisoner to myself

2009-05-07T08:18:00.003-04:00

My heart sank as I stood in front of my mirror this morning at 3 am. The self-analyzing individual standing there saw the countless flaws wherever they could be found. "You're ugly, you have no future, you can't do anything right."

I usually spend as little time in front of a mirror as I can. The constant reminder of my failures and my life as a whole is reflected back to me, a constant reminder that I ruined my chances at a good existence. The obsessions flare and the self-deteriorating ruminations seems to speak over my inner sense of reason and joy. I'm a prisoner. I may not be confined to a cell in a corrections facility but I still feel trapped, unable to escape. I am brain-locked into a perpetual catalyst of obsessive thoughts and depression, coupled with an over bearing sense of anxiety and hate.

I truly wish I saw life the way some of you do. I wish my circumstances were different and I could wake up one day and have the feeling of success and ambition. I wish I could wake up and just be me. I'm simply not that person and will never be. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I don't belong anymore. I've lost all my friends it seems and the only support system I employ is a therapist once a week who I lie to and say everything is just peachy. I take on a persona of a guy who accepts the hand he was dealt but will not let himself be lost. I should be on Broadway.

There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of what could have been. Pictures of "the perfect life" flash through my head. A father coming home from work, greeted by his children and his loving wife. A dream that I can only hold in my head seems to be the last thread in the rope of my existence.

The scariest thought I can imagine is hurting those I love. I put everybody before myself and even in the darkest times I treat people with respect and dignity, something I rarely do for myself. No matter how badly I am feeling I try and assuage the troubles of others, not because I have the answers, but because I do not and can admit that. If I can't help myself, I might as well try to help others.

This entry was posted in haste so if I seem all over the place, this is the reason. That and the fact that I have been awake for what seems like a week straight. If I was in any position to give advice it would be to take this post as a warning. Don't let yourself be pulled into an endless loop of self-loathing and depression. Fight for what you have and what you want. If you value your life the way I wish I did then nothing should stand in your way. There is beauty in the world, I'm sure of it. I just can't see it and haven't been able to for a long time.

The thought of mortality

2009-05-06T00:05:00.005-04:00

After reading over my last post I can tell there was something bothering me, something more than the every day shit I deal with. Recently one of my sister's best friends was killed in a car crash and I suppose the thought of death has been ruminating in my brain more than usual.

It pisses me off to no end that my sister, after all she has been through and continues to go through, has to deal with yet another life changing ordeal. She doesn't have many friends right now and she's the mother of a 1 year old who keeps her busy. I'm just sad that this had to happen in the first place. I complain a great deal about my life but I barely hear her complain about hers. She's a dedicated mother and a great one at that.

Anyways...

How often do you question your own mortality? Daily? I'd like to hear from anyone who views life as I do.

It's basically a "shit happens" mentality with a side of "are we done yet?"

Thank you to those that commented on my last post, it helped a lot.

I can't take it

2009-05-04T17:41:00.002-04:00

I don't know how I can go from having one of the best days in a long time to one of the worst. Today I got a lot of stuff done, financially and personal. It was the first time in a long while where I woke up and felt that today was going to be ok. I wasn't going to constantly dread on the negative aspects of my life like I usually do. Instead, I was going to take everything that was bothering me and fix it. I even went to a local pub and filled out an application to bartend.

I arrive home and I am immediately thrust into some kind of personality nosedive. I've been drinking for over two hours and I have never been closer to those thoughts that make you not want to be a part of this world anymore. I can't help that I analyze everything about myself. I also can't help that my obsessive compulsive disorder rules my life without question. So what can I really do? I know I won't get rid of my problems and at the moment these problems are not worth living with. It's quite simple, do I have enough going for me at the moment to feel ambitious towards my future or am I floating through life hoping the next day is better than the last?

That isn't the way a person should live his or her life. It's not enough to get through a day. It's not enough to get through a day without having a mental breakdown. Nothing seems to be enough anymore. I get these periods of ambition but they are always followed by an extreme change in attitude.

I'm Angry. I'm angry at the fact that I am unable to do things that would bring any sense of happiness to my life. I'm medically hilarious in every way possible. Imagine having everything in your life that takes your mind off of your shortcomings being an impossible solution.

I feel like I'm out of options. I don't fear death anymore. I've started to embrace the notion that I won't be a part of this world anymore. If it wasn't for my family I wouldn't be here today and I can guarantee that. What do I do? Do I tell my therapist that every day is hell and I want to end it, subsequently being sectioned to a mental hospital and ruining what I have left? Or do I keep to myself and let whatever happens happen? The fact that I have so little compassion for myself is sad in itself, but knowing that I don't care if I get hit by a car tomorrow tells me something. It tells me that i'm living each day like a leech, i don't care what happens and my ambition to improve myself is quite diminished.

How the fuck did all of this happen to me at such a young age? It's almost like something is out there making sure my life is fucked up as much as it can be.

I see no joy in life, only suffering and pain. I don't go a day without thinking of what the world would be like without me in it. I hate it but I can't hurt the people around me.

I was born to suffer.

How my leg almost killed me

2009-04-30T14:00:00.002-04:00

Last night I decided to have a few drinks while I watched lost and continued to drink a little after. I then figured "I guess I'll smoke a very little, just to calm down and go to sleep". Well, it worked. I started watching youtube vids with my legs propped on top of my desk and I drifted off. I awoke 3 hours later bewildered as to what the hell had happened until I finally realized "hey moron, you fell asleep at your desk, go to bed"

I placed my left leg on the ground and pushed myself to a stance and then put all of my weight on my right leg. Well, I cut off the blood going to that leg for 3 hours so naturally it was nothing more than a noodle. My knee tried bending backwards and then I just collapsed back first onto the floor. The impact caused my roommates to wake up, one of which told me this morning that he thought a car had crashed.

Adding insult to injury I knocked over a beer can which spilled on me while I lay on the floor. I remained there for about 5 minutes, trying to understand what the hell had just happened. The pins and needles started to fade so I got to my bed but I woke up this morning fully clothed and wearing shoes. I was also in a ball at the foot of my bed because my guitar was taking up space.

Anyways, I must have landed perfectly because I didn't break, dislocate, or sever any body parts, which is always good. I'm just glad I didn't fall on my bad shoulder...again.

We get it, I have issues

2009-04-27T08:32:00.003-04:00

Once a week I have therapy down the street from my apartment which I'm hoping is doing some good. However, I'm starting to feel like i'm supposed to feel pity or something by the time the session is over.

At least once a week I have to hear that I have a rough life or that I've been through so much...

I know what I've been through and I know it sucks, that's why I'm at therapy, I don't need to be constantly reminded that the life I envisioned for myself when I was younger was nothing more than a pipe dream. I'm starting to rethink this entire process. Why bother expressing myself once a week when I feel worse after I leave? I am constantly being told to accept what has happened and move on, but how can I just accept that I'm out of my mind? I can't do that, that's the only thing I have going for me. The chance that I will someday look back on my current situation and laugh is what gets me out of bed in the morning. It's what get's me to work on time and it's what stops me from driving my car into a body of water.

I have had a lot of shit happen in my life that just plain sucks, and I know it. I can get past some of these things because I know I have a disorder (or 3) and I understand full well what this means. But therapy is a place where I should leave and reflect on our conversation and feel good inside, not the other way around. I don't like hearing that I was dealt a bad hand and I need to deal with it. I want another fucking hand, please!

The weather has been great lately so yesterday I went out tanning next to a river with my girlfriend, all the while being inches away from a nervous breakdown. I figured the nice weather would lift my spirits but I spent the day depressed at a level to which I rarely get to. Suddenly, every thought running through my head ends with me fantasizing about the way I'd die and how 1 simple act could end the bullshit. I don't like feeling this way but I somehow find comfort in the fact that it IS an option. I'm not saying I'm actively trying to end my life or anything, but having OCD intensifies my submission to obsessional thoughts and I'm stuck in a continual mind loop.

I think I need to go back on the meds I was taking at the hospital. That is the last time I remember feeling like I had some purpose on this rock. I had ambition. I had a future.

Another Hospitilization

2009-04-24T15:38:00.006-04:00

So I have this pain in the right side of my chest and it's been this way for about 2 weeks. Thinking it was simply a pulled muscle I decided it wasn't urgent so I chose to wait it out. Eventually when the pain started getting worse I ended up driving to the clinic. Once there, I told them my symptoms and I was brought to the emergency room.

They ran a quick EKG which came up normal, however, I had an asthma attack during the test. They gave me a peak flow test and it was quite low for my height and weight so that prompted 2 nebulizer treatments. A nebulizer is machine that evaporates medicine for you to breathe in. I probably posted a picture in an earlier post but if not, here's an example:

After that, I was taken for a CT scan and an X-ray to see if I had any blockages and whatnot. My main concern was a pulmonary embolism. The results were normal and I was told my asthma was basically the main cause of the chest pain, which I am still experiencing. I called my primary care doctor twice the two days before I went and he finally returned my call upon finding out what had happened. Little late, doc?

Anyway, I'm still breathing like a 90 year old woman with lung cancer but the chest pain is subsiding. There was a time when I could sprint until my muscles gave out, I feel so broken.

Social Anxiety?

2009-04-17T13:15:00.000-04:00

I don't consider myself a sufferer of social axiety but it seems like more often than not conversations with people who are, lets say, less than friends are just awkward. For instance, I was walking into Shaws to see what they had for lunch when this guy comes up to me and asks if there is a hardware store in the area. Since I didn't know, I just started saying whatever came to mind. In this case, it was "well, there used to be one but, uhhhh....hmmmm. I think there's one down the road (i point off in the distance) but im...uhhhh....i dunno".

I could read the guy's face like it was a book. "wow, thanks for nothing a-hole". Now, I'm not normally like that with friends. In fact, if I'm not on one of my depression binges I'm extremely outspoken. I just seem to be more aware when I'm talking to people. In the past I had a problem maintaining eye contact but it was never a real problem. Now I always feel just a tiny bit odd when i'm talking to someone and it's not the "perfect" conversation. This usually consists of me thinking the convo is over as I head towards the door, BUT WAIT, the other person isn't finished....so now what do i do, do I turn around and just stand there, do I lean against the door with an interested look on my face? Or do I just slowly continue towards my escape?

This is all coming from a guy who would have no problem streaking across a college campus during commencement...I'm weird.

Hey doc, wtf is wrong with me?

2009-04-15T08:43:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday I had two doctor appointments. The first one was for a muscle problem I've been having and the second was for my asthma/allergies. I was finally able to convince a doctor to give me a stress test to see why my asthma gets so bad after a lifetime of barely needing my inhaler.

I'd like to say that i'm hopeful but i've given my hopes up too many times in the past. I always thought doctors had all the answers but its becoming more and more apparent that it's a guessing game with me most of the time. I'm sick of half-answers like "I'm not sure what's going on but lets run a bunch of pointless tests so I can waste time until my next patient".

There really isn't any other options at this point so I'll do what the doc says as well as everything I need to do in order to fix my problem. There are few things worse in life than uncertainty or the unknown, a state of mind that I've had for years. I just wish that I could go to a doctor in 1 visit and have an answer. But alas, I left the office with 3 additional appointments...I guess I'm in it for the long haul.

It's funny though, the hospital I went to was a religious hospital and the doctor, at one point during my appointment, asked me what religion I am. Now, since my OCD is always on the back burner, I can only imagine that he is going to look at me with a tad less respect than maybe someone who is religious. Now I'm nervous that I won't get the same care as everybody else. I thought of this immediately and in the time frame of about 10 seconds until I inevitably replied "umm, I used to be Catholic".

It's funny though, I watch "The 10 Commandments" every Easter with my family just as I watch "A Christmas Story" every Christmas. Anyway, I just went off in about 4 different directions with this post but I think I said what I wanted to. So, in closing, go red sox!

Morning Routine

2009-04-09T08:41:00.001-04:00

Alarm 1 goes off, I immediately hit the snooze button as this was just a warning.
Alarm 2 goes off (cell phone), I immediately hit the snooze button as this was only my second warning.
Alarm 3 goes off (also cell phone, I immediately hit the snooze button).

Then the cycle basically repeats itself until I know I will be at least 5 minutes late, that's when I put my feet to the floor. I look around the room as I wake up, taking in the day and the misery that will follow. I debate calling in sick and but eventually I stand up. I stretch out vertically like I'm trying to touch the ceiling. Much better, now I can begin.

Now, if I woke up at a reasonable time (7:15-7:30) I grab a towel and get to the shower. If not I double down on the cologne. While waiting for the shower to heat up I stare endlessly into the mirror with the knowledge that what I am seeing is the polar opposite of what I actually look like. I step into the shower and do my thing, usually only lasts about 10 minutes. I grab my towel from the towel rack on the shower door and do my best to dry off preceding the inevitable walk from the bathroom to my room. I hate being cold so this is the worst part of my day.

Ok, so now I'm all showered...what next. RIGHT. Deodorant! After all, why not smell like a million dollars? I then proceed to choose my work clothes, which usually consists of "is this ironed? "Fuck it, i sit behind a desk...this will do".

As I grab the badge for my building I clip it onto my belt with the imagined self importance of a garbage man who refuses to wear gloves (nothing against garbage men). It's at this point where I have to listen to at least 1 pump up song, an example being a song by gritz:

I squeeze out a tiny amount of gel since I don't have a lot of hair. As I begin to gel it I get self conscious that it will look stupid so I just look anywhere BUT the mirror and hope for the best upon looking at it in the end. "COOL, a decent hair day!" I do a few more minuscule things before grabbing my keys and taking the 15 minute drive (with traffic) to work. My seat warmer is a short lived luxury and the heat being on high blowing right on my hands usually does the trick.

I tend to arrive at work at least 10 minutes late and continue to chat with one of the security guards for an additional 5. This just gives me an out in case somebody accuses me of being late. "I was just discussing so-and-so with the guard, I've been here for a bit". Take that authority!

If I managed to remember a lunch (a rarity) I go straight to the fridge, where the overpowering smell of last months leftovers hits me directly in the face. I wish people cleaned after themselves. Then I unlock my office, sit down, and immediately start going to every website I have even heard of in the hopes of killing at least an hour. 10 minutes later I'm bored so I consider being productive. 5 minutes after being productive I wander around the building in search of a coke machine that doesn't charge arbitrary amounts of money. (Seriously, $1.35 for a can of coke?)

Soon I am at my chair, most likely checking this site and many others (again) in hopes of any updates. "hmmm, nothing new".

*looks at time, realizes I have 7 hours and 45 minutes left to waste*

*sigh*

and to think, i could have stayed in bed and watched old episodes of saved by the bell. And enough with the fucking college years, they just aren't funny and lets be honest, that is not how college works you lying bastards.

Respect...

2009-04-07T13:58:00.000-04:00

I've spent the last few minutes pondering why there are some people in this world who are completely and utterly morally bankrupt to the point where human emotions are no longer present. People who don't give a shit about anyone else but themselves and their imagined self importance. People who's fervent opinion of themselves is nothing shy of royalty. These people suck and here's why.

You may be wondering where this is coming from, but naturally you already know...WORK. A person on a power trip is like a professional bully who needs to keep feeding on the lower ranked members of a company/business. You can get a good sense of a person's demeanor by observing the way in which they interact with people they don't have to be cordial to. In this case, I am describing the majority of people I see every day. I don't let petty bullshit ruin my day, far from it. However, there comes a point in time where you have to take a stand. I don't care if you are the president and CEO of BlowMe Inc., respect should be given regardless of status.

Maybe I'm wrong and this is all just a result from poor capitalistic virtues. Or maybe I'm completely right and a large portion of the world is infested with complete assholes. Either way, Don't let these types of people ruin your day. Look past their immaturities and laugh when they try and put you in your place.

Perhaps the realization that I am a quarter of a century old has got me thinking about this stuff or maybe I'm just fed up. In any case, I'd like to extend a giant FU to everybody who makes life miserable for the people around them. Join me, wont you? I'd like everybody to stand up (or remain seated if you check blogs on the toilet) and say "this is only a job". The important aspects of your life are your friends and the people you love.

Birthday Debauchery

2009-04-06T12:19:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow is my birthday. I will be turning a quarter of a century old and I can finally rent a car (not that I need to), but still...

Last Friday my friends and I went to a bar in boston to celebrate and it was a good time. I get extremely drunk (as planned) and was able to come out of my shell so to say and be social.

Something hilarious/gross occurred on the way home so I'll try and give you the first person experience.

I'm sitting in the back of the cab, it's about 1:30 in the morning and we are nearly home. My girlfriend is sitting next to me in the back while a friend of ours is riding shotgun. She was virtually passed out and you could just tell she wouldn't make it home before returning her drinks to mother nature...or in this case, all over the door of the cab.

The cab driver appeared to be unaware of what had just happened but I suspect he was just shy. As I got out of the cab I saw vomit everywhere. There were chunks the size of grapes spread over the outside and inside of the passenger door.

Now, usually id be a nice guy and offer to help clean up but since it was, in fact, vomit..I basically said "G'NIGHT!" and ran to my apartment. I feel bad for the driver who undoubtedly had to stop at the nearest gas station and clean the goey chunks from his car. And to top it all off, we only had enough for a $3.50 tip.

Oh alcohol, how you make things that much more interesting...

Blogs, what's the point?

2009-04-03T11:35:00.000-04:00

Why do we bother with blogs in the first place? Is it just to let loose some steam and feel better or is it for pity? I'm not sure what I expected to accomplish with it besides trying to find other people out there who are dealing with the same stuff I am.

I'm starting to think that this is negatively affecting any kind of recovery. I come on here everyday and the times that I post something I'm usually whining or feeling sorry for myself. That doesn't help anything and only serves to reinforce the kind of mindset that I am trying to lose.

I found out my girlfriend knows the URL to this page and although I trust she won't read it, I can't say the stuff I want to anymore. I'm debating taking this blog down all together.

we'll see i guess...

Come take a bite of my brain

2009-03-30T23:42:00.000-04:00

random high thoughts:

if it wasn't for gravity, there would be no books about gravity

Trees are sorta like people.

i have the best bowl ever.

almost being 25 is weird, it's the only age where I've felt funny.

i wonder what i'm going to get for presents

my first choice would be a Taylor acoustic guitar, the 3 thousand dollar one.

(assume denial of first choice)

my second choice is....

i dont know.

i cant think of a single thing. am i this simple? Do i not have any vested interest in anything even remotely creative? Then it sorta hit me.

I was denied my dream. Although simple and direct, the military was something I had always wanted to be a part of. As some of you might know I have asthma, and lately its bad enough to hospitalize me after running for minutes.

It's funny I think of this the night my acoustic guitar is away being fixed. She's been the only consistent way of relief all these years. Having a bad day was always assuaged when i picker her up and played my favorite song at the time.

What do I want to do with my life?
I want to play guitar.

simple.

ok, now i know exactly what to do in order for this to happen. I learn everything I need to about guitar and music theory and I play for hours a day. Do i think I have the talent? Ya, i think i do. So now what Ty....

if i could have 1 thing written on my gravestone it would read: "true beauty is the sound of a perfectly tuned guitar"

i suppose it should be "unwritten" if they dig into the rock, but that isn't important right now.

end of high thoughts:

there's marijuana for ya. you may have noticed that complete lack of threat to society for a second or two. End the drug war. End the fucking other war while you're at it, assholes.

Who am I?

2009-03-25T14:45:00.000-04:00

All these years battling my problems has left me with this one question. Who am I and who would I have been if certain things didn't happen to me? I have offered this question to a few professionals and without fail I get the whole "you are who you are" reply.

That's fine, I understand I am who I am and I also understand that something like OCD isn't my fault. However, I constantly obsess over it. What if my asthma/allergies didn't take a turn for the worse, would I be some big hot shot soccer player? If OCD was never a part of my life, would I have finished school and gotten a job I like?

I should know better, this is the type of thinking that will put you in a hole for days but today isn't the greatest of days and all I have to focus on is the negative aspects of my life. I guess this is what happens to a kid who wanted nothing more than to join the military and was then told I was medically disqualified. Why not just take a knife and stab me in the chest, because that is what it feels like to know your life's plan is gone.

I'm debating on deleting this after I finish typing it because I hate being negative so often but I suppose if you are reading it then I decided to anyway.

I guess what I am really searching for is meaning, structure, etc. My life consists of going to a job I HATE, coming home to an empty apartment, hopefully eating dinner, then trying to sleep and repeat.

I know for a fact that I need to go back to the hospital, but I don't know how that will look if I ever want a municipal job. Is it worth getting everyone I love upset all over again? I do a fairly decent job at hiding my frustrations but they are getting the better of me. I find no fulfillment in my life except when my bi-polar self is in the manic stage.

UGH, I don't know...

/bitching

Pale Blue Dot

2009-03-25T07:48:00.000-04:00

Carl Sagan has been quoted many times saying "fantastic claims require fantastic evidence". Sagan was a little before my time but he is still to this day a pioneer of the universe and a modern intellectual who's influence stretches far from the grave.

Every once and a while I like to watch his video "Pale Blue Dot"

It's amazing when the earth is put into perspective by Sagan as he makes us seem so insignificant, while at the same time instilling a sense of home. There we are, a spec suspended in a sunbeam, a tiny dot which contained every human being in history.

"The delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe is challenged by this point of pale light".

What calms me down

2009-03-24T11:50:00.000-04:00

So I'm doing a little better than my previous post may suggest. I thought I'd share one of the things in my life that seem impervious to anxiety. The best thing for me is my acoustic guitar. There are few things better than the sound of a perfectly tuned guitar. The ability to play a variety of songs allows me to decide the mood I'd like to put myself in.

Naturally, when I'm feeling anxious, I tend to play softer more relaxing music. Then again, sometimes I just need to rock out with my...errr...you know.

So, that's what helps me. What I want to know is what calms YOU down. What brings you back to reality and allows you to put your troubles behind you temporarily?

This is bullshit

2009-03-20T10:46:00.000-04:00

I'm fucking enraged, plain and simple. I've done my part in trying to pull my life together and pick up from where I started before all this shit started happening. The one thing I found is that I am incredibly alone.

Sure, I have a girlfriend, two roommates and a few friends. That's not what I'm talking about. What I mean is that the real me, the person on the inside who struggles daily with physical and psychological problems...that's the person nobody sees.

How would you feel if you were unable to do the things you loved doing in life? What if you could no longer take part in certain things that caused you happiness and gave you self worth? Do you just shrug it off and accept life the way it is?

FUCK THAT

I hat being depressed all the time. I hate the way I act around other people. I hate waking up in the morning knowing that today will be like every other day and that I cannot find happiness. I hate prescription pills and the doctors who prescribe them. I hate the ignorant, the arrogant, and the cocky assholes in society who make life harder for all of us. Most of all, I just hate what I have turned into.

I don't know what else to say. I can imagine it must be tiring to read yet another post of mine that is just filled with negative shit like this but what am I supposed to do, pretend life is grand and post a few pictures of puppies? Sorry, can't do that, I'm too busy possibly dying at the moment.

What most likely sparked my recent attitude change was an incident involving me trying to take back my life and feel better. I thought I'd go for a run. After all, exercise is one of the best forms of therapy.

After five minutes my asthma symptoms kicked in making it extremely hard to breathe. I got to my room and used my inhaler which didn't help, so I had to now use a nebulizer. If you don't know what a nebulizer is, here's an example:

It took me almost an hour to relieve my asthma symptoms, laying on my bedroom floor struggling for each breath. If it had been ANY worse I would have undoubtedly called 911 but alas, all it took was an hour of pain and suffering until I could find the energy to move around.

I'm also thinking about quitting therapy. All I hear every time I go in is how unfortunate I am to have these specific ailments and that my life is VERY hard. Ya, thanks for the reassurance. I come to therapy to try and feel better and instead my shitty life problems are just reinforced vicariously through my therapist.

If anyone can relate to anything I just said, please comment or at least follow my blog. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Is this really who I've become?

2009-03-16T15:37:00.000-04:00

For some reason unknown to me I have been subconsciously and vicariously putting myself in the position of the little child who would be judged at birth and then either thrown off a cliff or granted the chance at a life. I think this was done by the Trojans but to my point, I feel completely lost.

It's been about 7 years since my high school graduation and although that may seem like a long time, it doesn't to me. Back then I was all about sports. If there was some place to be and I had no means of travel, I was running. If I parked mildly far from my destination, I ran. It's just who I was and I never thought it would change.

That is, unless something starts preventing me from doing these things such as, ummm, asthma?

I havent been able to go for a nice long run in years without having a vicious asthma attack and occasionally needing to be hospitalized. Why you might ask? I don't have a fucking clue. The allergist I just got back from gave me a referral to a doctor who will give me a stress tset (which would basically consist of me running on a treadmill with what I can imagine to be electrodes and shit attatched to my body).

What changed in my life that now makes one of my favorite past-times impossible? Nobody seems to know. They say that excersie is one of the greatest ways to reduce stress and anxiety but I wouldnt know.

Just to some up all of the stuff that bothers me at the moment:

-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
-Anxiety Disorder
-Bi-Polar Disorder
-Asthma
-Post Nasal Drip/Congestion
-Detached Chest Muscle
-Previously disloacted shoulder and the necessary surgery

I'm probably forgetting some.

I'm just so overwhelmed constantly that it's hard to be happy. I feel like an old man and i'm 25 years old. What's worse is that i'm literally on the edge. I'm not just saying this with the expectation that my mood will change later, im really scared that i'm going to run out of reasons to keep putting up with this stuff.

Everything in that list has debilitating effects, physically or psychologically.

Something has got to give.

I can't catch a break

2009-03-11T11:39:00.000-04:00

I try so hard to live my life like a normal person. Someone who's mind isn't completely corrupted by obsessive compulsive disorder, someone who doesn't have anxiety disorders, someone who isn't deathly allergic to common food, someone who can run for more than a few minutes without having an asthma attack. Finally, someone who has a surgery on their pectoral muscle and the results are normal.

Just got back from the hospital after having an ultrasound and it looks like my chest may be disfigured for the rest of my life. Needless to say, i'm back to being absolutely depressed. The linden method really seemed like it would help. Maybe it would have if I received good news today, who knows.

All I know is nothing happens the way I want it to, ever. I fucking hate the shit I have to deal with, it's embarrassing and has already ruined my life, i was just trying to pick up the pieces.

How can I possibly feel good about myself when the most prominent thought in my head is that I don't want to live anymore?

Linden Method Day 6

2009-03-10T08:55:00.000-04:00

My mood has not severely changed in 6 days, and being bi-polar this is excellent news. I started the Linden Method as described in an earlier post. You can also read Robert's experience with this method here.

I haven't had the time to get too far into it and I am only on the first of 9 "pillars" but so far I have been able to fight off the negative feelings and replace them with my normal self. It's just a matter of being able to get anxious but completely ignore it and retrain your brain to think positively.

I haven't felt this good in years and if this method works for me I will be the happiest SOB on the planet. Just imagining not succumbing to my emotions on a daily basis is like hitting the mental jackpot.

My Snowboarding Trip Video

2009-03-06T11:59:00.000-05:00

Youtube is being a pain and censoring the music I had so I chose to host it on Vimeo.

Edit: I got the audio reinstated! First time I ever fought youtube and won!

It was a really fun trip besides having Sarah fall and hurt herself the first time she was on a snowboard!

The Linden Method

2009-03-05T11:12:00.001-05:00

I recently discovered an OCD/Anxiety/Depression alternative which I'm hoping will have an impact on my problems. It's called the Linden Method and it was a fairly sporadic purchase of around 90 US dollars.

Basically the method calls for no medication. Charles Linden, creator of the Linden Method (duh), has deemed that the cause for most of the mental disorders is the result of a problem with the amygdala. He advocates zero drug use to assuage symptoms and assures that his method has a 95% success rate. Seeing as my life has been taken over by OCD etc I felt the 87 dollars was worth it after reading the reviews.

Take a look at one of his videos then visit his website:

Thoughts?

I"ll post my first impressions after I get back from my snowmobiling trip in a few days.

Question for you other bloggers

2009-03-04T10:44:00.000-05:00

So I'm trying to get this banner up top to center above the body perfectly as well as get rid of the overlaying words, so I just want the banner itself.

Does anybody know a thing or two about CSS and could help me out? As this blog is private to my friends I can't exactly ask just anyone, only you guys. You're so lucky :)

Great weekend but terrible to be back

2009-03-02T12:02:00.000-05:00

As some of you know I went snowboarding in North Conway last Thursday and got back home around 5 PM yesterday. It was great to be away from it all and my anxiety was actually very low for the majority of the trip. I'll be posting a video soon that I have been working on.

It's funny how the switch from feeling great to being an anxious wreck takes very little time, especially from an OCD sufferer who is bi-polar and has an anxiety disorder. Almost the entire ride home (as I tried to sleep with my ipod playing) I was thinking about death and my place in the world. I'm at the point where I'm starting to actually get scared that these types of thoughts will become more than just thoughts. Before it was just depression with a side of anxiety. Now it seems to have morphed into a full blown obsession with not wanting to continue on suffering.

I don't know what to do really, I have a therapist but if I told her what's really going on in my head I'd be sectioned to a mental hospital. The effexor/prozac/zoloft ect always has side effects which I won't live with. I'm forced to take my clonazepam and smoke marijuana just to get by on a day to day basis.

I hate feeling like this

Snowboarding!!!

2009-02-25T10:30:00.001-05:00

Well, after about 2 years I am finally getting back on the board and hitting the trails. Since I've been quite depressed along side having terrible anxiety, snowboarding was not exactly at the top of the list. An example of that list might be:

#1) Don't kill yourself

and so on...

But I have been feeling great for the past week or so. Not a single panic attack and I've actual been quite ambitious. I'm hoping this isn't just a manic episode because there is nothing better then feeling like i'm not being suffocated by the world.

I'll be sure post some pictures and videos of the trip when I get back Sunday.

How I calm down

2009-02-23T09:22:00.000-05:00

Playing guitar has long helped assuage my anxiety and think more clearly. It doesn't matter what drug I'm on, guitar has always worked best.

The following video is just an intro to a song I like.

Here is the actual song + video.

How good is this song by the way?

Ocd and Anger

2009-02-20T12:06:00.000-05:00

Every now and then (every few days) little things will get extrememly angry/upset. Earlier today I locked myself out of my office and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown until somebody with keys came by. I don't know if it's the anxiety/depression kicking it or if I have just developed bad habits over the past few years but when things happen not to my liking I get overloaded with anger and anxiety.

Maybe that's how I cope, or at least try to.

Does anyone else find themselves in a similar situation?

The Bible?

2009-02-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

Since becoming an agnostic over that past few years I have had quite a load lifted off my shoulders as far as the OCD goes. I used to worry that the bad things stuck in my head would catch up to me and that I was not worthy of "eternal salvation".

Now, I look at my life under the religious undertone and have to wonder "what the hell was wrong with me?" It's taken me a long time to realize the corruption and misdirection that religion promotes and the pure evil in it's cause. It doesn't take anyone with a decent education to understand the bible is pure made up garbage, used to prey on the weak with it's promises of heaven and eternal bliss.

Unlike some of you I cannot live my entire life believing in something so blindly. I question everything around me so to live my life according to some ancient text is not only stupid, it's dangerous. After all, who deserves to be stoned for working on the sabbath?

Creationists try to shift the burden of proof to the non-believer, a tactic that just doesn't work. Instead, they are inundated with scientific refutations and debunkings. We are in an age where we know why certain things happen. We know why lightening occurs and why it rains. We know how mountains form and rivers carve themselves into bedrock. We know these things because of careful observation and scientific data. So why should I put my faith in a supernatural being who would send me to hell for questioning such things?

Religion is responsible for more deaths than heart disease, think about it.

Fallen off the Wagon?

2009-02-17T11:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I started smoking pot again, but not nearly as much as I used to. Personally, I think this is a good thing, I wanted to give myself a longer break but at least I don't find the need to smoke as much. I have yet to try salvia again but I'm certain I will in the future. It was such a surreal experience it's hard to justify never trying the stuff again.

I just wish there was 1 drug available that addressed all my symptoms. That way I wouldn't have to worry about all this crap I'm taking and the possible side effects they are causing :(

I literally HATE pharmaceutical drugs because to be honest, I just don't trust them. Drugs are released every day without full knowledge of the side effects and it's the consumer who pays the price.

I recently had an appointment with my psychiatrist in which he explained that he believes I am bi-polar (finally, a DIAGNOSIS!!!). He also offered the option in taking a drug to address this issue, but the only known side effect is.....DEATH.

No thank you, after having my seizure from welbutrin I am never taking another risk like that again. It's becoming more and more clear to me that relaxation techniques can work just as well as drugs if you engage in them correctly.

I am also thinking about going to a hypnotherapist again to see if that will help. It worked in the past with a facial tick so what do I have to lose?

Isn't it funny how the legal drugs are the bigger problem in my life as opposed to the non-legal ones?

Back on the Meds, Curbing the Pot for a While

2009-02-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

I finally just made the decision to go back on my meds, regardless of the side effects. I have been feeling so low the past few weeks that not even pot was helping. After smoking salvia a couple times I realized I need to give my brain a rest.

So, I think I'm going to try for an entire month, but I don't know if that's realistic. One thing is for sure, being without clonazepam SUCKED.

I took it last night for the first time in a while and I immediately noticed a difference. I was still anxious but I didn't have that sensation in my stomach you get when you are nervous about something.

So, I'll try this for as long as I can. I don't expect anything to change, but the only alternative is to continue being miserable every day. I just can't do that anymore.

First Salvia Trip

2009-02-10T09:11:00.000-05:00

I finally gave it a try, and holy shit.

My girlfriend was overly nervous as she manned the video camera while I positioned myself on the rug with a pillow behind me in case I fell. I put the pipe to my mouth and lit it, knowing what to expect but in the same sense having no idea what I was getting into. I held it in my lungs for what seemed like a full minute until I breathed out and the fun began.

"I think I have to lay down" I say, as I carefully lean back and begin my journey into lala land.

Suddenly, I am no more. I am not an entity on this planet but a mere conduit of energy. I imagine myself as part of a bigger whole, a part of something...else.

The first couple minutes were quite nerve racking actually. Since I had no identity at this point, I thought I was stuck in an endless spectrum of colors and time. It felt as if I was being wrapped around something, something that I had no concept of.

"Holy shit" I yelled...

What happened next is unclear, and even more so in the video. I seem to randomly sway from side to side and look in different directions. I have no memory of this, as everything I can recall was from the first few moments of the trip.

It lasted about 5 minutes total, until I was able to get onto my bed and recall what just happened. My entire body was pulsating with hot flashes and I was sweating like I just finished the Boston Marathon.

I only used a small amount of salvia as this was my first time and I didn't want to scare myself away from it. The high is like nothing I have ever experienced. I have never felt so disconnected from this life.

For 5 minutes, I was somewhere else and everything that bothers me in this world was silenced. And now for your viewing pleasure.....

I look like crap but what can ya do...

Indecision

2009-02-09T12:13:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to do anymore. The legal drugs have such terrible side effects and the illegal ones are a the equivalent of a band aid being put on a bullet wound. To top it all off, I accidentally forgot to refill my clonazepam and I already feel stressed to the max.

Why am I seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist? Nothing is changing so why waste the 15 dollars for a co-pay? Maybe it's just the fact that i'm extremely stubborn and won't accept what others tell me. I know i'm a negative person but to view the world completely opposite is arrogant. I don't know where i'm going to be in a few months, so naturally I get anxious about my job/money etc...How could I not be?

Then again, I have to assume the bi-polar-ness is contributing a lot towards my constant mood swings. I just need something more in my life that I am proud of or something that I can be happy about.

"Some people achieve greatness, others get it as a graduation present"

Can Psychedelics help OCD?

2009-02-06T07:24:00.000-05:00

I've recently started to experiment with psychedelics as I am extremely interested in the existence of the sub-conscious and how the human mind perceives the word around us. I fully support the notion that one can learn so much about themselves and life with a simple and safe drug.

"My partner's experience using mushrooms over the past year or so has [shown] a marked decrease in what she would call her obsessive thoughts. And a fairly significant compulsion she previously had (the need to check the stove burners knowing full well they were off) has disappeared over the course of our monthly psychedelic doses. Now I realize we won't likely be seeing a monthly four-to-five grams dry cubensis powder prescription anytime soon, but one can dream!"

This isn't to say I think people should be using mushrooms on a daily basis to diminish their symptoms but if it helps and does not harm you, why not?

Salvia Divinorum

I just recently purchased about 3 grams of salvia, a very potent (and LEGAL) psychedelic drug.

"Salvia divinorum, also known as Diviner’s Sage, ska María Pastora, or simply by the genus name Salvia, is a psychoactive herb which can induce strong dissociative effects. It is a member of the sage genus and the Lamiaceae (mint) family. The Latin name Salvia divinorum literally translates to “sage of the seers”.

Salvia divinorum has a long and continuing tradition of religious use as an entheogen by indigenous Mazatec shamans, who use it to facilitate visionary states of consciousness during spiritual healing sessions. The plant is found in isolated, shaded, and moist plots in Oaxaca, Mexico. It grows to well over a meter in height. It has hollow square stems, large green leaves, and occasional white and purple flowers. It is thought to be a cultigen."

So basically when my package comes I'm going to have my roommate sit with me so I don't do anything crazy and video tape my trip. I'm interested in seeing if my OCD will affect it. I'll post the details and video in a few days.

Back in hell

2009-02-05T11:55:00.000-05:00

I was feeling pretty good for a couple days. I had an extreme break in my anxiety and I felt my ambitions returning. It really was a dose of fresh air, but not it seems I'm back to square one.

None of the shit I need/want to do matter to me right now and all I can think of is death. This fucking pisses me off, how am I supposed to live any kind of a life when I go through this shit on a routine basis?

I just started a new anti-depressant (Pristiq) but that's just one of many that have side effects and it's probably going to give me cancer at some point, but as long as the drug companies make their money, that's all fine and dandy.

I'm starting to consider other means of assuaging the constant anxiety and severe depression:

Anyone else try this stuff?

Aeschylus: Killed By Wildlife Conspiracy

2009-02-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

Taken from a Cracked article:

"Aeschylus is widely regarded to be the founder of Greek tragedy, so he's probably the guy you should blame for depressing the hell out of you during freshman English. Modern scholars have determined that Aeschylus is also the only man in history to have a name that is literally impossible to pronounce.

Cause of death:
Bludgeoning. With a turtle.

You see, eagles in the area surrounding Sicily loved turtles just as much as Kel from Kenan and Kel loved orange soda. There's just one problem with eating them--getting past that hard shell to the gooey center. So what do they do? They lift turtles up to great heights, and then drop them on rocks to crack them open.

Who loves turtles? Sicilian eagles love turtles.

The popular theory is that Aeschylus was just milling about out in the sun one day when an eagle mistook the top of his bald head for a rock and unleashed a world of tortoise-related hurt on the poet out of a perfectly innocent desire for a mid-afternoon snack.

That's the popular theory. One undoubtedly promulgated by fear-mongering toupee and Rogaine merchants hoping to make a fast buck off of bald men's crippling terror of death from above. It's worth noting that the turtle supposedly survived. How convenient for the turtle.

And while far be it from us to accuse the eagle and the turtle of plotting the murder of one of history's greatest tragedians, it is also worth noting that neither of them were brought in for questioning."

A Good Day? Holy Shit...

2009-02-04T09:48:00.001-05:00

Today may have the potential in being a good day. For once in a period of months I felt mildly good about myself. I got good grades in a couple classes I was taking and I was just filling out a resume for a part time job. I also saw a psychiatrist last night and was put on a new drug.

Things seem to be going smoothly so far so I hope it continues. It's nice not to feel miserable ALL the time at least.

Why do some people suck?

2009-02-02T11:26:00.001-05:00

I just need to know if there is some kind of predisposition for mankind to make other people's lives miserable. What type of dejected childhood does it take to be constantly rude and dismissive? I only ask because my current place of employment has hired a few consultants...one of which I despise.

She comes to my door..."How come everyone has their lights so dim?"

Me - "I dunno, I work better with the lights on the dim side"
Her - "Studies have shown otherwise"
Me - "Fuck you, die of dysentery" (I wish I could say that)

Here's another example of a typical conversation...I'm trying to be a nice guy and spark a conversation, just to shoot the shit. I look at her iPhone and say:

Me - "How do you like that thing...I have the iTouch and love it"
Her - "It's Ok"
Me - "I just think the amount of apps and games you can have makes it a great little device"
Her - "Games rot your mind...when I buy new hardware I always make sure I delete the games."

Honestly, there's no reason for somebody to be this much of a bitch in a single morning. Perhaps it's just the way I am perceiving what she is saying. I hate my job so much so I resort to talking to people I can't stand and this seems to always be the result. Maybe I should just keep to my self from now on, it's quite clear nobody wants to have a normal conversation without an attitude or agenda.

People can be so fake sometimes...

Why do I choose to be alone?

2009-02-01T18:37:00.000-05:00

Why is it I opt out of doing things with my friends/girlfriend and sit at home knowing it will cause issues? Why is it that the things that hurt me the most are also the things I need to do. At this very moment I am by myself in my room with the super bowl in the background and a large amount of my favorite "medicine".

Perhaps I just need to feel miserable sometimes so I can justify my attitude. If i'm out having fun and still feel down in the dumps I know I have a problem, yet if I give myself a reason to feel shitty, it's not as big as a deal. I wish I had the ability to decipher the reasons I do the things I do. I wish I knew just exactly how much OCD has cost me. I get caught up in the constant ruminations of what could have been...What if I was born more attractive or what if I met a certain person who could change the course of my life?

There's no shortage with these types of thoughts. They are constant and show zero signs of lessening in the future. I just hope I hear some good news from the doctor on Tuesday.

The Night of my Seizure

2009-01-30T15:54:00.001-05:00

Just like any boring night, I was in my room playing computer games with a couple of candles lit and my work clothes randomly scattered across my floor. I felt quite good compared to my usual self, nothing that would suggest what would happened next.

As I sit in my executive office chair blasting away zombies in the game Left 4 Dead a sudden rush of nothingness emerged. As I awoke, I noticed my room full of firefighters and EMT's asking me questions to which I could not even answer. I lay there in intense pain as I gaze over to my left shoulder and see a bone sticking up underneath my skin as if I'd fallen 6 stories and landed directly on it. The next thing I know I am being wheeling out of my second story apartment on a stretcher, still not fully understanding what was going on.

The ride to the hospital was an interesting one to say the least. I'd slip in and out of consciousness as the EMT's tried talking to me so I would stay awake. Picture the last time you awoke from a crazy dream and after a period of no more than 5 seconds, it's gone. This was the type of mental capacity I had for some time after the seizure. Once I was finally awake and alert, I learned that while playing my game I suddenly, and without warning collapsed on my floor causing a bang my roommates can only describe as "What the F*$&". I sat in the hospital bed for close to an hour and a half until I was able to be seen by a doctor. I was X-rayed, MRI'd, and had a few other weird tests done. It was concluded that the seizure was due to the Welbutrin I was on. That, coupled with the fact that I stopped taking clonazepam suddenly (which helps prevent seizures).

I was told while being prescribed this drug that there was a mild risk of seizures and I even made mention of it several times as a concern, but my worries would soon be overcome by the prescribing doctor's words, "it's very rare". (Ya, exceptionally rare, eh?) Anyways, I digress. I eventually had my shoulder popped back into place by about 5 doctors. One of them was literally holding me down with a blanket and the others were positioning my arm for the fun little jerk coming up. I had a very mild anesthetic but besides that, I felt everything. It was as if my arm was being torn off and I could do nothing about it. The sharp agonizing pain echoed throughout my entire body, yet for some reason the pain went away just as quick as it came.

This ordeal has left me with a bum arm at the moment, that is, until I start going to physical therapy. If I could offer any words of wisdom they would be this. Do not mess around with your medication. There is a reason there are warning labels on the bottle and I am living proof that a bad night can ensue if you are not careful.

Medication?

2009-01-30T09:47:00.001-05:00

Let's just say I have been on the gambit of medications over the last few years and everything has undesired side affects. It's hard when the only solution to one's problem involves having more problems but I suppose you have to know when to ignore the side affects and worry about the condition. I wish I could take my own advice, but nobody wants to live like that...lets be honest.

I was taking welbutrin along side of clonazepam for a while, until I had a seizure and suffered a dislocated shoulder and and fracture. Just my luck, finally found a med with no side affects and I have a seizure, just perfect.

It seems like every where I turn there are new obstacles or more reasons to be depressed. I just need to be on a simple regiment of medications and continue with my life because as it stands now, I am barely getting by. The OCD has lessened since being in an inpatient program but the anxiety and depression have almost doubled. The problem with these disorders are they completely eradicate any chance of having an ambitious day. The majority of my day is devoted to appeasing my mind and trying to get away from the constant stream of terrible thoughts.

For those of you who seem to have your medications under control, what are you taking and what kinds of side affects are you experiencing?

Good days and Bad days

2009-01-29T10:00:00.000-05:00

I've always wondered what my trigger was exactly. What would cause me to wake up in the morning and hate life. Then again, what would cause me to wake up completely ambitious and happy? I can discredit meds as this happens sometimes whether or not I've taken them. Does a depressed person subconsciously look for excuses to be depressed or does it just happen? These are all questions that I cannot answer, yet they are such a part of my life that I find it quite bewildering.

Perhaps it it due to smoking marijuana on an almost daily basis. That seems to be the only relief available when I am having a rough day. I am instantly drawn away from my bad attitude and fully embrace every aspect of my life with enthusiasm. Or perhaps the good days are just the eye of the storm, a storm that doesn't have an end in sight. OCD sufferers can't really tell sometimes as the onset of OCD is not well determined. It's usually just a bad situation made worse by an overwhelming dear of worthlessness. Oh ya, have I mentioned pot helps a lot?...

Marijuana, the Wonder Drug

2009-01-28T11:16:00.000-05:00

Had one of the worst days in a long time yesterday, most likely because I forgot to take my clonazepam twice the previous day. I got into work and immediately thrust myself into a self perpetuating loop of negative thoughts. It was like all I could do was spiral down until I hit bottom.

Coincidentally, I also had a appointment with my therapist that night (which I was late to) and the session really didn't go that great. I was already upset so all I wanted to do was be out of there and at home in my room. Naturally, I got home and continued to be a hermit and smoke weed to get all these negative thoughs and feelings out of my fucking head. Sure, I could take celexa or some other bullshit medication and have side effects for the rest of my life, or I could put on the proverbial band-aid and enjoy the rest of the day without the constant thoughts and anxiety.

Moral of the story...weed is a wonder drug.

The World of OCD

2009-01-27T09:12:00.000-05:00

When asked what most people typically think of when they hear OCD you will usually hear something like "they wash their hands a lot" or "they do things a certain way". While this is true for some it does not encapsulate all of us, which is why i'd like to shed some light on a non-typical form of obsessive compulsive disorder.

Have you ever stepped on a crack while walking on a sidewalk and had the feeling that your mother's back may be in peril? Have you ever avoided the number 13? These types of things are considered normal in society and since they don't usually impugne on a persons day, they are overlooked. "Of course stepping on that crack isn't going to harm my mother" one will say, although still regretting the entire situation. This is OCD in it's purest form and it's from this moment that the life of mind-numbing repetition and ritualistic actions are born.

If I could offer any advice to people who think they may have a problem with OCD, PLEASE do yourself a favor and get help. It will ALWAYS get worse if you don't address it as soon as it becomes a problem. If you want more info take a look at The OCD Foundation.

My Story

2009-01-26T13:17:00.000-05:00

I have had my fair share of OCD related issues and to this day, I still do. I don't excessivly wash my hands or stay away from dirty things, instead, my brain plays a game on me that makes my day-to-day life a living nightmare. I am constantly telling myself "If I don't do this (where this could be anything from tying my shoe to writing an essay) again then something bad will happen." It's a subconcious event that takes places hundreds of times a day and my ability to ignore it often seems impossible.

I haven't seen a stressless day in over 2 years. I wake up in the morning to panic attacks ranging from mild to excessive. Not only am I in a constant state of anxiety but the depression I experience is torture. I can't take my life a day at a time. My minds eye is poisoned with this disorder and my only wish would be to have 1 day where I am not on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I wake up to a job I hate, only to go home to an apartment I don't like. I have not finished my bachelores degree and I find it hard to care about anything besides lessening the impact that OCD has on my life. I used to have dreams about my future. I used to think of the many things I could be when I grew up. Nowadays I only think about what could have been.

Hello and Welcome

2009-01-26T12:50:00.000-05:00

I started this blog for a couple reasons. One as a chronicle of my life with OCD and my day to day struggles with this horrific disease. Second, I wish to help the OCD community by sharing my personal feelings on a day to day basis, feelings of contraint and uncertainty.

As I have just created this blog it may take a few days to get it going. Please come back soon when I will have daily posts about the demons some of us face.